Chilled Monkey Brains – without bits

There’s few better feelings in the world then when you turn on the television on a rainy Sunday afternoon, caught in that listless limbo between weekend and work, wanting to ‘get something going’ while simultaneously thinking,’what’s the point?’ and you find that the Indiana Jones trilogy is on. Back to back.  And you’ve come in at the start of it.

 

Suddenly Sunday has a purpose!  I’m thinking of Indiana Jones because I can remember when I was younger, that people used to imitate the man who says ‘chilled monkey brains’ so lasciviously in Temple of Doom, in the same way that I really enjoy shouting ‘Diplomatic Immunity’ in a fake South African accent a la Lethal Weapon. And the reason I’m thinking about that is because of our often grossout attitudes to food from other cultures and the things that they are prepared to eat.

 

If i had to, I’d far rather eat a chilled monkey brain than a Richmond Irish Sausage ‘without bits’ as advertised on television.  Wake up people, it just means that they’ve ground up the bits a bit more!  And why would you eat something if the producers were either a/ unsure what it was or b) too ashamed to say.  Seriously, give me chilled monkey brains any day.  I’ll face the firing squad with my eyes open, ta very much.

 

I live near an amazing Chinese supermarket and although I know that they sell things like whole roasted duck and the amusingly named ‘shrimp balls’, they are also a kickass cornucopia for a lot of alternative proteins.  Why spend upwards of £3.00 in a health food store when you can get the same or better for half the price in an ‘ethnic’ shop?  And this is what brings me to today’s little recipe, for green thai curry: Tofu, and specifically five spice tofu by Tofu-king.

 

 

It tastes quite close to smoked chicken and has a sturdy texture which means you can slice it quite thinly and it holds its shape.  It reminds me of the the grilled chicken breast with green curry sauce that you can get at Busaba Eathai.  And it is categorically without bits or chilled monkey brains.

 

Green thai curry recipe (deadly easy)

Coriander, a bunch

half a lime

sesame oil

fish sauce – 2 tblsp

1 clove garlic, sliced

2 red chillis

1 tin coconut milk

1 pinch of cumin

thumbnail of ginger chopped up

 

Veg of choice: pak choy, choy sum, spinach, courgettes, pea aubergines, pepper thinly sliced, whatever really …

 

Combine all the ingredients aside from the veg in a blender or Nutribullet.  Blend it up.

Heat wok.  Add blender contents.  Then add veg of choice.  Low simmer until the veg is at your preferred crunchiness.

 

Meanwhile thinly slice 3 square of Tofu-king five spice tofu.

On a separate board, chop up a chicken breast.

 

Take out half of the green curry and spoon into a bowl – arrange the tofu on top, all pretty like.

 

Meanwhile toss the chicken into the curry mixture and cook till done.

Depending on the amount of veg you’ve used, you may wish to bulk this out with rice.

 

This was really excellent but because of the mini revelation which is five spice tofu, I’m going to give the victory to the Vegans.  Again.

 

Tofu-king update: Sadly, about five hours after eating, the tofu did give me the burps, so I’m calling this one a draw.  I’m nothing if not fair.

 

Here’s one I never made before

Don’t tell anyone, but I secretly set myself small challenges and put a seismic wager on the outcome. If I manage to get to the curb before that baby drops the crisp packet, then I will one day be a world famous author. If I manage to go to the toilet, wash my hands and tidy the bathroom before the end of the ad break, I will be recognised internationally for my incredible flamenco dancing and style. If I can find my cash card in the bottom of my bag before reaching the desk I will sell my screenplay to David Lynch.

Please tell me I’m not the only one?

So my adrenaline hits a high when I open the door to an empty fridge, bare save for half a cucumber and a tomato. I turn to the store cupboard for succor and find scant comfort, unless the sight of brown rice and tinned lentils fills you with joy and optimism. Many of you may be sliding out the takeout menu drawer about now, but for me this represents opportunity. If I can make something appetising from this little lot, then I will one day be crowned World Genius of the Universe (not sure that this is an actual title).

The second challenge is this: you may have noticed a distinct lack of meat based protein in my fridge, which means that I will have to culinarily seduce my husband without the aid of a chicken breast. The pressure is on …
So this is what I came up with – a kind of ‘hands across the sea’ approach to cooking, taking a vaguely middle eastern side dish and dressing, and adding in some veg for good measure. It was a nice play on hot and cold together, which is a secret food crush of mine, plus it’s good at disguising a naff ingredient (the fruits of my freezer foraging). You could serve it sans store-bought nut cutlet (the lentils will give you the protein) or substitute it with another protein if you were so inclined.
For extra seasoning, I pretended to be making the dish on a cookery programme. Not sure it made any difference to the taste, but I had a nice time, and that’s the main thing.

Middle Eastern rice and lentils with tahini dressing

For the rice
Olive oil
1 onion sliced thinly
1 cup brown rice
1/2 tin green lentils (or chickpeas, I suppose)
Chicken stock cube
Cumin or spices of your choice.

Tahini dressing
1 tablespoon tahini
olive oil
Juice of 1 lemon
salt

Cucumber cubed
Tomato cubed

Protein of choice (in this case 2 nut cutlets that were stuck to the back of my freezer like Hans Solo in carbonite)
i.e Chicken breasts or salmon for the non-believers – cooked as you would normally.

Heat oil in a large frying pan and add onion rings. Cook until softened. Add spices and rice and then water (with stock) to cover. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until almost cooked, then add the drained lentils.

Meanwhile mix together the dressing ingredients and taste till it’s right.

When the rice is cooked, make a nice bed of it on your plate. Top with your chosen protein, then the cucumber and tomato and then spoon over the dressing.

Present this to the imaginary camera crew that you have set up in your kitchen, while your husband (out of shot) looks at you as if you may need clinical help.

 

Sho’nuff do be cookin

Here we are folks
The dream we all dream of
Boy versus girl in the World Series of food

I know that Prince is picky about how and where his lyrics are used, but I’m sure as a vegan, he would urge you to sing this as you prepare for the first cook-off: boys versus girls, meat versus …cauliflower.

If you’ve read my ‘about page’ well done, you are very diligent. If not, shame on you, but as I want you to stay and read on, let me explain the purpose of this blog in 24 words.

I’ve stopped meat-eating but my husband hasn’t. I try to find recipes that are convenient and similar and judge which is tastiest as well.

I’m not sure that arbitrary 24 word limit that I imposed will have helped you follow my gist, but you are intelligent and dear to me and so I will start with my first dish quest and you will catch up (somewhere around the recipes bit I imagine). Tonight turned out to take an Americana theme for inspiration.

Hands up if you love fried chicken? (meeee! meeee!) Hands up if store bought fried chicken sometimes scares you because of the appalling urban myths that used to circulate about it? (meee! meee!) Deep fried rats and cysts aside, homemade chicken can be pretty tasty and although buttermilk and brining can make it truly sing, on a Wednesday night when you just want to put your feet above your head and slacken your jaw for an hour, you don’t have to go to all the effort, as you are about to find out. So what about your non-meat equivalent, punkass? Okay,I’m getting to that, thanks to a brilliant find on the PETA website, which should stave off any cravings for a wing or a thigh.

Buffalo cauliflower florets
Cauliflower florets
cup soy milk
cup flour
2 tsps garlic powder
2tsps paprika or oregano (or both)
tsp salt
Bottled hot sauce
2 tbsps olive oil

Preheat oven to 220 Centigrade. Mix soy milk, flour, herbs and spices together. Dunk in the cauliflower till they’re covered. Place in oven for eighteen minutes.

Meanwhile, flick to your chicken.

Fried chicken
Chicken breast in pieces
egg beaten in a bowl
flour in another bowl with paprika, salt, pepper, oregano (your choice of herbs)
vegetable oil

Heat an inch of veg oil in a frying pan. Dredge the chicken pieces in the flour, then the egg, then the flour again. Place them away from you in the pan of hot oil, turning once until they are cooked (5 mins). Cook it in batches if necessary.

Meanwhile, after 15 minutes or so, turn back to your cauli. Mix together your hot sauce and your oil and throw over the florets. Leave them to cook for another 6 minutes or so until they are looking quite crispy.

I cleared a little space and left my chicken to drain on kitchen towel, and rustled up a couple of sides that pleased everyone.

Sumac salad
Green beans
Asparagus
Garlic
Sumac (a purple spice which tastes of lemons)

In a pan, I sauteed the sliced garlic, added in the beans and asparagus and a little water to soften them up. When they were nearly finished cooking through, I threw in a handful of sumac and let it cook off. I halved a red pepper, filled one with haloumi and one with hummus and whacked it under the grill.

Voila. The whole thing took me around 40 minutes to pull together and the cauli was terrific. It had that nice, puffy crispy feel that is, let’s face it, the best part of fried chicken. I think that with a different sauce, it could be served as an alternative for kung pao chicken as well. My husband said that the chicken was ‘good’.

Thanks for that.

So who wins this one? I can categorically state that no rats or cysts were harmed in the preparation of my dish and my husband only managed one word in praise of his. So that means:
Vegan 1 Meaty 0

May the odds be ever in my flavour! (parp)

Buffalo cauliflower with hot sauce, sumac salad and pepper stuffed with haloumi (before I realised I’d put the hummus one on the other plate by mistake. Derp.)